Monologue

He said, she said… it’s all now impotent rhetoric. No answer to the multitude of questions flowing in. Projected realities; everyone seeing what they want to see as opposed to what’s right in front of them: Reality. It hits you like walking into a huge glass screen always just right in front of you not being able to see it until you focus on it. As you move toward it, drawing ever closer; you see it but choose to ignore it, to walk away from it, to talk around it but there’s no running till forever and as it lay “dormant” in your mind it twists and turns writhing in your subconscious. Then again why wait till ones old and grey, why not confront the reflection and be done with it?

“I have loved and I have lost”, the bitter cliché everyone seems to sing about, everyone seems to preach about but the irony of it is that with such events as those of losing out on love when they do come to pass they are swift and unrelenting. Taking the whole because you gave your all, dealing one good blow till you’re out cold. You were blindly loyal to a fault: determined to carry it through to the end, faithful, defensive of that love that you would bet the most priceless things on- contorting to its will leaving you crooked. But such is love, such is life, such is emotion: impermanent, although you fought. At its apex it is utter bliss, giving a feeling of great actualization because it empowers you to give the best version of yourself, relating to every nook and cranny that makes the foundation, holding the pillars that make you. But what to do when it’s gone? When you’ve fought to the bone until its left hollow, dry and white. You’ve given what’s left of all you could give. But then it occurred to me-; when you’ve given it all you have that means nothing should remain but a cold, decomposing corpse left to the extremities of the inevitability of being sustenance to organisms underground feeding and feasting from the inside out. But because you fought, and like me writing this piece and you instead reading it, are still present, still breathing then the battle for survival surely can’t be over. Because you fought until you were waist-deep in the mud – sinking; walking on the rooftop of a skyscraper but knowing you couldn’t look down; rolling on the thick, lush green grass under a pollen covered tree knowing you might as well wake up from it and head straight for the nearest emergency room to spend a fortnight within it due to that allergen burst then why regret it? Why would you tear your soul apart sticking your nose in the past when your whole core is braced for the future?

The fear of change.

The primal need of wanting the now to be ever present without any shifts to the sands of time, clinging on to the oxygen levels held in that moment although the room that you’re in is sealed off ablaze slowly filling up with the carbon monoxide that will straight up kill you dead. The attachment to what was, resisting the present and future from becoming, what is and what will be.

The mind is the source of our own happiness and our sadness. A phrase I’ve been hearing lately from meditation seminars and Buddhist wisdom books. So what exactly does it mean? Well from my understanding from my search to the path of enlightenment, the path to happiness lies in looking beyond the self towards others helping them find happiness through your own compassion which is inherent in all human beings. It is like washing the dishes that the whole family left in the sink and enjoying the satisfaction of the cleanliness that comes from having done them radiating into your mind, body and soul then being projected to the sphere of your influence. Food for thought.

So what of the frustration and anger? Why dwell on the impermanent things we can easily let go of, when it only takes a second? Not trying to forget it or suppressing it but rather identifying the presence of such poisonous emotions, acknowledging them and finding that the best way to deal with them is to let go.

So thus it bounces back, when good energy radiates from within it doubles back, leaving refreshment, peace and serenity bringing an inner peace of mind.

You’ve loved and you’ve lost, you’ve invested and genuinely took interest you tried and that’s okay, an experience you might not forget but will remember for all the positives that it gave you, you will be to give back one day because you chose to carry forward the good and learn from the misgivings.

You find, you lose you grieve (and that might take a really long time) but you will also heal.

And with that I come to conclude.

Someone once asked me why I never wrote about love. Well I believe that then I could never truly relate to having felt it, a pure and sanctified form of it. For all I saw then was red, not cupid good red but macabre red. And now I can’t say that I have experienced it but from having lost an anchor that I was so dearly attached to these are the thoughts that came to me: from my mind to the paper flowing from a pen to the ink I scribbled on a paper and was able to type it on my very neglected keyboard to my dusty old page uploading it. Enjoy!

Andyscribbles out!

R.A.M